What it Felt Like to be an Addict.

The Mindset of an addict

Rarely the decision to get high is mediated by thoughts such as "I will be the most addicted addict there is". The mindset is more like "What could be the worst thing that happens?". Ignorance is bliss, until it isn't. It is assumed that you are some sort of exception to the rule and the drug will not affect your physiology and mind as it does with others. However, sometimes things happen too fast to have a proper second thought on whether it is a good idea to snort a line at this dudes' apartment.

Furthermore, it usually does not start with lines either. Drugs come in different forms and packages. Some are relatively safe to take and grow in forests. Other are colourful pills in heart, animal or car shape. As all of them are illegal and portrayed by society as demon summoning substances, weed or mushrooms bearing the same stigma as ecstasy or meth, it is rather hard to make a distinction. After ingesting weed one gets away with eating too much and passing out on the couch followed by a good nights' sleep. That doesn't seem like such a drawback? How much merit do the regulations have? How do I know the other substances are not equally as harmless? Murky waters.

It is a very little step from smoking weed to taking ecstasy. Although ecstasy is applied in psychotherapy with high success rates, it still packs a punch in terms of abuse and addiction potential. Sobering up from the first experience is usually followed by an afterglow effect (a positive and uplifting mood seeping into the next day), rather than the nasty depression that sets in after the serotonin depletion that ecstasy induces. That can lead to a downplay of the potential to cause damage and a tendency to re-try. It is a slippery slope. Before you know you have a few ecstasy experiences and it seems like a good thing to do on the weekends.

The last and most important factor leading to addiction is the deprivation of social connections and love. By now everyone is familiar with the study done on rats, where they were placed in an amusement park with a water and heroin pipe. Rats which were socially isolated kept pressing the heroin lever until they died. However, rats engaged in social interactions rarely pressed the heroin lever. Same goes for people. Perturbed by loneliness and judgment we resort to pressing the heroin lever, since the suffering of life is too much to bear by yourself. There is intrinsic meaning to be found in taking care of others as well as comfort when taken care of. If isolated and deprived of these essentials the likeliness to engage in risk taking grows.

When I got into drugs I was very arrogant, assuming that I can make it out if I feel the need. Which ended up true, but man, that was close!

The Rush

Often I get asked "What does it feel like to be on meth? What is it like to be on ecstasy?" And oh my god, you guys have no idea. Although, they have completely different effects.

Methamphetamines are the feeling you get when you succeed in an exam, your team wins the finals, you get a promotion at work, you fight someone, you ride a motorcycle too fast. That multiplied by a thousand for a duration of 8 to 12 hours. It is that tingling pressure in your chest, which on methamphetamines expands into your whole body. The common knee jumping thing people do when thinking or when they're nervous, as well as chewing are both excessive. People on meth can't control it and you will see them pacing around and chewing through chewing gum like it is candy. Your pupils dilate. Your hands get sweaty. Your eyes pace from object to object. Music with a high frequency beat will match your pounding heart and you become one with the patterns of life, however that looks very unhealthy from the outside. All that is accompanied by an immense ego boost. You are the top dog and you could take on anyone without a doubt.

Ecstasy on the other hand is the warm feeling when you're in love, when someone compliments you, when you connect with people, when you feel like you are right where you should be. It can make you feel like time has slowed down. Touching surfaces feels like doing it for the very first time, as if the amount of neural connections in your skin doubled or tripled. Very ecstatic. You will moan and take deep breaths. With each breath it feels like a huge ball of pain is leaving your chest. I call it purging. Your body tingles and you feel very light. To grab a blanket and melt away in the sofa is the thing to do. Talking to people and connecting is amazing. The words go straight from heart to heart and you would tell your darkest secrets to anyone. Your biggest enemy will turn to be your brother in that moment. It allows you to peak into heaven and see what it would feel like if everything was perfect. You can probably see how that could be potentially very dangerous or very helpful right?

Sobering up

After all the fun comes to an end and the drug slowly fades out of your system you notice that what goes up must come down in a very literal manner. The come down on methamphetamines is the nastiest one I have ever experienced. It feels so dirty and hideous. As if I was a homeless heroin addict, with aspirations to rape and murder.

Once I realise I am coming down, I would sell my last underpants just to get another hit. I am sitting in a car in some parking lot. It is 7 AM. I had no sleep. The other guys are making lines in order to get through the day. As embarrassing as it is I offer 5€ for half a line. I get denied. I go home and cold-brew a really strong espresso, to keep the feeling of being high present. I masturbate for 4 hours, then I pass out on the bed and wake up around 3 or 4 hours later. Why is everything so dark? I have not showered and my teeth are hidden under a layer of food residue. Is someone sitting on my shoulders? Oh yeah, I did not eat either. Before I realise it is evening and the message notifications tell me it is time to go again.

The come down on ecstasy is the hardest to face. I almost died twice by overdosing. It could be, that I have a really addictive personality 🥸. Why it is harder to come down off of ecstasy than meth for me, is, because I seek love and connection more than status and success. Furthermore, after your serotonin is depleted, rather than feeling dirty and hideous, you feel mentally sick and broken. As if you can never recover and you have done it this time. You officially fucked up your mental health. On top of that, there is no one around you to help you, at least so it feels. You are completely alone in this huge world and no one bothers to spend a thought thinking about whether you are fine or not. You should probably just kill yourself? Luckily, abusing ecstasy more than once a week is ought to fail, since serotonin needs time to replenish and you will just not receive that pleasant loving feeling anymore. That is why ecstasy addicts tend to go on a weekly/monthly drug schedule rather than go 7 nights without sleep.

The Damage

What makes methamphetamines so hard to withdraw from are its warping capabilities. Reality warps, transforms, changes. Due to sleep deprivation and constant stimulation you do not have the time to reassess, think and remember. Memories you make are lost in the void of sleeplessness. Furthermore, the brain damage caused makes old memories fade away. Ultimately your idea of who you are, your value structure and concepts of reality fall apart. What used to represent "mom" now is merely a blurry and hollow shadow of the real thing. The lifesaving voice we all have in our heads is pushed further and further away into the dark. Until all that is left is a shell piloted by a drug driven demon with dilated pupils. The real you, seeps through here and there. That is when the grey gradient imposed upon your reality cracks and breaks. For a moment you find and perceive what it meant to be you. You truly believe that from now on you are going to pursue that you. The last rays of hope. This is when most addicts start proclaiming that they are getting out of it and are clean from now on. However, when the dark night creeps in and the walls close in, your palms get sweaty and your chest is expanding with a crippling anxiety radiating in it, your resolve is tested and most socially not accepted and lonely people will pick up when their phone rings. Just one more night with the lady dressed in white. Just one more push until the real you is forever lost in the dark behind your eyes.

Ecstasy on the other hand lowers your baseline of well-being during your everyday life. With every rave you feel a bit worse overall than you did before. A bit more lonely, depressed and less loved. I perceive ecstasy as easier to deal with due to its serotonin replenishment lag as well as the warping abilities of methamphetamines. However, the overdose potential might be equally as high, if not higher on ecstasy.

Thanks for reading and see you in the next post,

Hans.