Snakes and Staffs
I heard Jordan Peterson talk about Moses and his venture to the promised land at his beyond order event in Estonia.
Introduction:
One of the topics during the event took me by surprise, however it perfectly depicted my current life situation.
In order to escape tyranny, one has to cross the desert to reach the promised land. In the bible, The folk of Moses made its way through the desert, after about 40 years they started to lose faith. Naturally, in response god sent venomous snakes. Because if you're already suffering, here you go, suffer a bit more. That's life, for most. The followers learned their lesson. They found their faith again. "God, would you mind removing the snakes? Our people are dieing" .. or something like that... However, god goes "Put them on the staff of Moses and look at them". That's kinda odd, isn't it? The snakes are still biting the followers, but they have become immune to the venom.
"Voluntary exposure to things that we are afraid of, makes us stronger".
My Snakes
- Fear of violence
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of poverty
- and ultimately fear of death.
After a few rough weeks of psychotherapy and getting by financially I have arrived at a milestone in my therapy and life. The main focus was to dive deep and confront the pain I keep locked up inside. Not only during my therapy sessions, but also in my everyday life. Gary, my therapist, would ask questions aiming at the 4 pillars of fear. I was astounded by how easily he could track my mental state. A look or squirm that went under my radar and he would immediately ask me "What was that? Follow that thought."
"Aaand here we go...", I thought. As I unpack the thoughts and travel deeper in my mind, events and people show up. Gary points out I should pay attention to my chest. "Is there anything to notice?" "yes", I answer. "Anxiety". "Breathe into it. Deep breath in and out, surrender to that feeling". You could hear the little knocks the tears made when they fell on the desk. I would instinctively try to hold back the tears, tightening up my chest and holding my breath. Gary would remind me "Deep breath". As I inhaled deeply, tears flooded my face again. I cried and I cried. There was no end to it.
Similarly, if I went through my day and noticed that stingy feeling in the chest, I would try to breathe into it. Guess what happened. Yes, I cried. I cried whilst driving, I cried whilst taking a dump and I cried whilst standing in line in the store. What a mess! How am I supposed to function like this at all? Hint: I don't.
The Milestone
For a while now, I was aimless. I knew one thing: I do not want to get a regular job, rent out my time and beg for more over the years. This is the time I become independent as an entrepreneur. But... how?
Okay, first things first. As vulnerable as I am, I am in no condition to do any business with anyone. At 9 pm deep soul cleansing and at 10pm teaching just doesn't work. I need to toughen up, build up my walls and get on my feet. Great time to start jiu-jitsu again. HAHA! Yes! But... no sparring for me, only the drill sessions because my shoulder, similarly to my soul, is still in therapy. On the picture you can see the maximum extension my shoulder can do for now. It will take a few months before I reach my full range of motion.
After attaining to a few drill classes my mood went up significantly.
However, something else changed too. I feel more serious and tougher than I was before. There is a certain down-to-earth feeling in me. As if I ascended from hell, the steps on the surface feel effortless. Okay, maybe thats a bit too wishy washy. I know what is inside of me now. I uncovered things which were hidden under the rug. Knowing they are there, and how deep the wounds go, I somehow feel more content going on about life now. I decided to take a break from my psychotherapy, for a month or two, to recover psychologically and give myself a window to progress career-wise.
With this second wind I decided to devote the next year of my life to publishing books on amazon. According to my analysis it is the most realistic, tangible plan to increase my (passive) income significantly. There is more benefits to it, but let's keep it at that for now.
To sum up.
I've set up goals. I successfully confronted my fears. I am back on my feet. A bit too high, maybe, nonetheless on my feet.
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