Recognition And Awareness On The Path To Healing

When I said before that the only path you can take is straightforward, I did not mention that the straight line is slightly bent and creates a cycle. The healing cycle. On which four milestones repeat themselves. The probably most significant and essential step is recognition. Brutal honesty and the ability to spot and admit your inappropriate behavioral patterns. According to my observations, many people fail at this step. No wonder. Subconsciously they know that underneath lies a large amount of pain, which they do not want to confront. Neither would I have done it if I knew what I was about to encounter. I like to compare wounds on the soul to injuries on the body. It is similar to when someone has a sore, infected wound on their body and would rather not have anyone touch it. So they hide it and find a way to work around it. If they have a sore heel, they stumble. They use the other one if it is a wound on the hand. To treat the injury, we have to see a specialist who will disinfect and sew our wounds. That process is painful; however necessary, there is no way around it, or we might succumb to our illnesses and even die.

The same applies to healing the soul. Gabor Maté, renowned physician and author, would argue that physical illnesses do not cause most deaths in the states but, as mentioned above, by ignoring and failing to recognize the condition of your soul. Another problem at the recognition step is the calibration of your perception. What exactly does it mean to misbehave? Suppose you have not set up a proper moral and ethical compass so that they are aligned with the ones of the society you live in, which should be a healthy one. In that case, you will not be able to recognize that your behavior is inappropriate. If you grew up, as I did, in a Slovak ghetto filled with alcoholics, split-up families, and drug addicts, then your moral compass will be all kinds of twisted.

Once you move out, which you should, it will be tough to adapt and, for example, have a healthy relationship. I mentioned the Slovak ghetto; however, that is merely an extreme on the scale of inappropriate calibration. There are probably fifty shades of wrong when it comes to societies. I believe traveling, reading, and listening to podcasts are essential. The dawn of the internet has saved me and, I think, will save many others. I could calibrate my morals, ethics, and values by listening to very knowledgeable and healthy people online and in books. I do not wish to state that that is the only way. However, for me, it worked. I believe for you it could too. Recognizing and distinguishing a prosperous and healthy individual from a rather sickly, lost one is not that hard. Our biology is tuned to pick up on cues and make a judgment intuitively. The automatic assessments, which are so frowned upon in our society, have their use. If you are an animal in the wild and you see another wild animal, it would be wise to use any cues to assess whether your life is in danger, whether it is an individual of the same species and if you can compete with him. Body structure, coloration, body language, and many more are all critical when fighting for survival. As animals, we adapt to our surroundings. This adaptation in the form of the capability to recognize could be a life savior even for us in the late evenings when walking down shady streets. We do not say, “Oh, come on, don’t judge that guy just because he has a hood on and a weird look on his face. He might be a nice guy.” No. We walk to the other side of the road and avoid him because our intuition, even our bodies, are telling us to do so. It is up to us to be aware of the automatic judgments which happen and actively tell apart what is reasonable and what is not.

In combination with exposure to healthy discussions, opinions, and content, one will be able to, or so I believe, calibrate himself in a way so that he can tell apart misbehavior from a well-tuned self. There is, however, one more thing. Awareness. We get caught up in the never-ending chatter of our minds constantly. Furthermore, we identify with it. If you watch the TV for the whole day, you might miss that your room is in disorder. The TV is your thoughts and your room the mind. We must be able to detach ourselves from our thoughts and dissect them from afar. After all, just because you watch the TV doesn’t make you the TV.

“I hate her. I wish she dies. Die bitch, die.”

These were the thoughts in my head once I faced my trauma in our relationship. Now is that healthy? No. Is that something for which I should judge myself? No. Is that something I want to act upon or invite into my life? Again, no. However, for me to recognize what was going on in my mind in the rage I was, was crucial to determine how badly traumatized I was and how disproportionate my reaction was in the context of the situation. You can think those thoughts when someone murders your child or any other utter extreme. However, not when your partner has an argument with you or goes out with their friend. A reasonable mind can tell that apart if it has the window of opportunity to do so. I will explore how to broaden this window in other posts.

Thanks for reading.

Until the next one,

Hans.