My therapist told me to sit still..

I found myself in a rather uncomfortable spot right after my move to Finland. I plundered my savings and put my online-teaching on halt. All I had going for myself was this blog and the book that I am working on. Furthermore, I do not wish to resume teaching. The pressure caused by the expectations of the customers is too high. The amount of noise caused by reminders, e-mails and lesson preparations is unbearable by now. There is something else I would want to do with my life and I feel like breaking free from the chains of financial insecurity. But since I had no stable income, the pressure to finish the book amped up. Realising that such a project cannot be rushed I developed identity issues. Who am I? Am I just making all this up? Am I really an author or youtuber? I am not a student or tutor either anymore. I wanted to have a mushroom lab, but that fell apart on me right after experiencing tedious, repetitive lab work for 8 hours a day. All the stickers I put on myself, which defined who I am are being peeled away and I feel like I am floating. Am I just a loser? Am I all the things I was told I am when I was younger? What if they were right? Why would anyone care what I have to say? A question rose in me for the first time after many years and it freaks me out.

That is when I stumbled across a kung-fu panda AMV (anime-music-video) on youtube, which I HAD to click on. Pou, the panda who wished to be a kung-fu martial artist, ended up as the dragon warrior. Great. I am not a panda, neither do I see myself becoming a dragon warrior in the near future. However, the important point is in how he got there. He was already a hard-worker with a lot of enthusiasm, but what got him there was the acknowledgment of who and what he really is. Inner peace.

After all the years of constant, relentless advance it never once occurred to me, that sitting still would be the way to advance further.  What is it that he meant? Should I just cease to exist for a few days? I am not sure I can afford to do that, after all, I have to fill my fridge. I am still figuring this out. But I dare to say it is not the refusal to move forward at all. It is rather the ability to stop when it is time to stop. Take a break when a break is needed. But this answer is too simplistic. To stop wanting to be someone better, smarter or stronger any second. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve, but ...

what is wrong with me that needs fixing so crucially?

If I can accept, whatever it is I believe is wrong with me, I should be able to take breaks when they are needed. This way I will be able to avoid burning out or injuring myself as I did many times by now. I should also be able to learn new things about myself, which I am hiding so skilfully. Maybe that knowledge will help me see what it really is that I should do.

Until now. If I took a break, it felt really good. With break I do not mean watching some series or hanging out on the phone. Not even listening to music. Just laying down and spending time with myself. It feels like my soul is able to rest, if just for a moment. No distractions. No constant push and worries. Just closing my eyes and existing for a moment. There should be more moments like this in my day. However, to reach that point I have to confront the very fears that pushed me as far as I got. Very contradictory. Will my flame not go out if I feel no more fear? Is it not the same as settling with the idea of being a broke basement-dweller? How could I allow myself to do that?

To be continued.

Thanks for reading,

Basement dweller.

Btw. apparently if you achieve inner peace you are able to mold chi in your palms and you transcend into the immortal realm of tranquility.