Journal entry 26.01.22

I have not gone to jiu-jitsu this morning, despite my feeling up for it (which is rare in the mornings!). Neither did I go to the university to work there. The logic was: my toes are inflamed, sometimes normal steps cause pain, I can't push too hard, or I will push myself out of the game.

So I stayed at home. Didn't get the work done. Foremost, I don't feel good. I feel anxious about going to my Finnish course. I want calmness after being choked. I like the peace of mind that comes from being physically exerted. I am thinking now. "Was there a way for me to go to jiu-jitsu without pushing my toes? Was there a way to fight calmly, move carefully and absorb the techniques regardless? Can I find a way around my toe injury?"

Maybe. But it will require a lot of awareness. Now that I trained more. I see it. I see jiu-jitsu in everything. I feel the momentum. I want to do more. I want to go beyond. I am considering cold showers in the morning, and it is not that I push myself and grind my teeth. I feel a pull. I feel pulled to explore beyond what I have experienced up until now. I want to immerse myself and let myself sink into what jiu-jitsu is. However, I feel restrained by my broken body. Is this a lesson I have to learn? Is it that I push too hard every time I am there? Or is it that I could push less than everybody else? Detach. Stay calm. Spare my body and train my spirit. Sharpen my soul instead of my body. Develop my understanding of technique rather than my execution.

Whatever happens, don't let it slip again. If you have to, brace the toes and just stay healthy.

Options to get out of this:

• Go to the doctor now, let them tell me whatsup. However, bunions can be fixed either by the bunion-reversal movements I am already doing or by surgery. Therefore, I get surgery or pay to hear what I have already researched. But - I could be wrong.
• Put more effort into the foot muscle strengthening that I came up with. I've seen videos on youtube where people walked barefoot outside for some time. Their foot muscles developed, which in turn spread their toes. I hypothesize that I have bunions because of underdeveloped foot muscles and too-tight shoes. With daily exposure to rough surfaces, such as a forest path with stones and pine cones, my feet should regain their original form. Therefore I set up a carpet at home with rocks, which I intend to walk on daily. However, I don't know if it's going to work.

I went to sleep yesterday, and as I meditated, I felt deep gratitude for where I am. I felt highly privileged to pursue things I love the most, even if in a limited, damaged body like mine. "What a blessing I can wake up and go to jiu-jitsu." I continued, "I have enough food in the fridge. I have enough time to work on my projects. I have good prospects to be doing well. How beautiful it is to be myself with this journey of mine. To be a young man with dreams, passion, resolve, grit, pain, and love. To be me, with my specific journey, the people I know, the memories I have, and the love I feel. Music, I like to listen to it in combination with this weird mind of mine.

Lately, I have felt more inclined toward learning more about Buddhism. I have this book by Alan watts, "The way of zen," which I bought when I was 16. I never read it thoroughly. Maybe twice until the half, despite the fact that the end of the book is "How to practice the way of the zen."

During my psychotherapy, I always return to the point that "all the answers are within me." I have to accept myself. I have to stop pointing outward and blaming my surroundings for the mess inside me. I have to be more aware of my actions. I have to use breathing techniques to calm myself down during emotional distress. I use breathing techniques to reach deep relaxation (yoga Nidra or NSDR). I meditate.

And so I sense a point where all of these things come together: my jiu-jitsu, psychotherapy, Buddhism, and meditation practice. I feel an intersection. In jiu-jitsu, you have to learn how to put your ego aside. You have to learn to analyze objectively. You have to stay calm in challenging positions.

I could learn a lot about all of these things from a Buddhistic point of view. Religion is supposed to give people a direction. To keep them rooted in something that they deem to be of utmost importance. Being in the present moment comes close to that for me. So maybe if I put more devotion into that direction, I will broaden my understanding of "the way."

However, with Buddhism, interested people, there is the tendency, ironically, to feed the ego by identifying as this spiritual, higher being. And so I have to be careful so that all this jiu-jitsu, Buddhism, cold shower thing isn't just a way of me trying to cover up my vulnerabilities and establish this monster ego. But instead, me staying true to "the way." My way.