Healing IS life - Kintsugi 金継ぎ

Relationships expose us where we're most vulnerable, in dire need of adaptation. Given resistances do not hinder us only in our romantic lives, but also in our most minute every day interactions, in our attitudes towards people, stressful or pleasant incidents. In how we approach things important to us and what it means to prioritize.

These interactions, impressions and ultimately, evidence amalgamate. A wicked little voice whispering cruelty. These distorted images of ourselves dampen our spirit. "I am a loser, unworthy, broken."

Relationships are not hobbies, they're full-time jobs. If there is any 'button to press' to radically grow, press the 'become the best possible partner in a relationship' button once. Your whole life will blossom.

Which of the voices in your mind is right?

• If the person doesn't treat you right and you still love them, the problem is not them; the problem is you. Because love is to have the best interest of both parties at heart. Also yours.

So why are we staying? Why are we in love?

Here a new premise: connection & attraction based on such unreciprocal/dysfunctional behavior naturally dissolve ... when we learn how to take care of ourselves, prioritize our well being, ultimately, heal.

premise 2: in our next relationship, we fall in love with, and find attractive, that which treats us well

hypothesis: if I heal, I will attract and thus find healthy love

or.... the preferable outcome <3

premise: connection & attraction rekindles by simultaneous healing of both partners

hypothesis: if we heal, we will continue to do so long term

If they cannot grow, it's game over. Their soul dies long before their bodies, or ... they get killed by it. We see it all the time in relationships. Wife wrecks husband. Husband kills wife. These things end lives, dun dun dunnn.

"You're not going to hurt me ... are you?"

"What?"

We might even create life, and then (?) make it suffer with us, furthering the painful ripples in the sea of consciousness.

What about the flip side ... a healthy family, a stable circle? To be venerated and needed in your little community, have your daughter be proud of you, have your wife love you with devotion. By sticking to dysfunctional patterns? Hardly.

By making a bunch of money? Nada.

The consequences are heavy; the upsides are bright. This is to be taken seriously. You have everything to lose and everything to gain.

• But let's go back to our perception of 'being mistreated,' so often, even in friend circles, people have their own definitions of 'healthy' and 'love' and so even through conversation, these things are hard to discern.

Beyond friend circles, in therapy – it is deemed 'bad' practice to tell the client his 'issues'. It would trigger resistance and possibly shake their trust. Sometimes projections are so thick and strong, only we can shatter them. If anyone were to shake them from outside, we would ostracize them, no matter their status.

Wenn alle erzählen, dass aus dir nix wird, kanns passiern, dass aus dir nix wird. - Bushido, Zeiten ändern dich

If everyone says nothing good will come of you, it can happen, that nothing good will come of you.

However, what therapists can do is define abusive behavior. They can define healthy attachment. It's your work to look in the mirror and see, am I ... abusing, loving, myself ... them?

What is your conscience going to say regarding the possibility that your partner wasn't mistreating you, but your definitions of love and right treatment were defective? What then? Will you risk it without proper, and I mean proper inquisition? Will you swallow having ruined something good because of ignorance?

Pull out the oven and wipe behind. Take out the hair from the sink. Scrub the tiles, tile by tile. Fungus. Fuck it, rip them out and lay them anew. How many sleepless nights until you snap? How many tiles can you lay?

It boils down to - inquisition, pattern, and action - some random Slovak guy.

We search for the answers, we find the patterns; we break them.

Or worse!

We search for the answers, we find the patterns - we're too weak to act.

Or worse! (2x)

we decide to not give a fuck.

Because of the above mentioned amalgam, the fruit one reaps from therapy is plentiful. It's not just the relationship. It's your soul, freed from dysfunction, able to receive and give love. A joyful jump into a new day with a why to live. Fresh color on the canvas. A glimmer in the eyes of your friends when they see you. A heartfelt welcome from your family. Premium oxygen.

But most importantly, the contentment. I had to give up the 'my parents are proud of me' to not be mistreated. Now ... I am proud of myself. ✌️

hypothesis: the older you get, the more you should prioritize breaking patterns, not keeping them

Where I want to go with this all, finally, is a reframing.

A new perspective.

Speaking from a man's pov, we often have the subconscious inclination to equate problems with not enough effort in - career, hobbies, self-improvement jazz - as in: if I made more money I'd be less stressed and then I could be more caring/patient/present.

But the resulting good that comes from such a hard-earned win lacks. Lacks the technicolor ripple effect that feeds your life bottom up, not top down. Lilies, roses, tulips ... all the damn flowers bosom within you.

Instead, let's waste our best years and effort to acquire something with half the -

Contentment. Beauty. Love.

And so, it occurred to me, quite unexpectedly this morning, that of all the good things I could do for myself, by far the most leverage lies in that moment. That moment when I face a pattern, and I know the right choice.

If I could just break it right there, even if I had to drain my strength, and let everything else fall but for a second – then life could become infinitely better. Right now.

Therapy is to feel deeply and take action.

And what would life be ... without feelings?

Learn to live now. Break the pattern.

Too dramatic? Or just ... deeply meaningful?

Broken or ... beautiful?