歓迎 - Welcome - Tervetuloa - Willkommen - Vítajte
I'm Hans.
A lowly writer.
Afraid to smile? Not me.
The last 875th day of therapy, half a year ago, set the tone for the dawn. The dawn of a new me. Rigid opinions and worldviews softened. Timid expressions and attitudes hardened.
Where once love for biology reigned, now literature and philosophy dwell. Perhaps that had to do with animals having no judgment, and 'loving' us humans for who we are (at least some of them). That standing in the middle of a forest, it embraces you, like a mother would, and that, the only thing I needed more than anything, was a hug. A sign it was ok for me to live, maybe even good.
From being anxious and lost, wondering whether offending someone was my cross to bear or theirs, to knowledge of the latter to be true and the boldness to live accordingly. That their hate did not mean I had no value, but that we were incompatible. That we all carry pain. Some stir it more than others, and we do everything to avoid it.
Having healed, my need for a forest hug lessened, and from that boldness sprouted the question – What do I believe? Who am I? What do I hold high? What do I frown upon?
If you ask me, a tad more boldness would have served me well. The word 'Artist' has fear, even horror, attached to it. Who is so confident as to say it out loud? That they have what it takes to pursue art? That they're witty enough to monetize it? And crazy enough to bet their life on it?
No. You can't play art without being all in. It takes a lifetime or two to perfect your abilities, another to market them, and one more to sustain yourself while doing so.
The transition from being a socially 'esteemed' college student (simply hinting at the fact that college students enjoy a high social status) to being a food deliverer who writes books on the side was crippling, far from convinced, terrified of being seen, even think that my words would suffice for someone's reading.
I saw others finish their degrees, drive their companies to success, start families, marry, compete in sports, celebrate, travel and rejoice while I was worried about my ad spent and words written.
Years passed. I found my heart, broke it, and glued it together again. I've read books of light and darkness, found aspects of both within me, and adhered to light. Transformed by profound thoughts of long dead geniuses, I now aim at greatness, that which transcends death and suffering. Though not as arrogant as to do so with my head held high, on the contrary.
I've quit my publishing company, founded for profit, and put my remaining chips on my own abilities and my love of writing, for books should be an offering to the gods, not the market.
What this means: I need to look for stability. Finding financial success as an author could take years, and until then, I have to sustain myself and my book expenses – find a stable job, one that pays well. One that I'd love doing.
My fetishes are:
- Fitness
- Martial Arts
- Literature
- Writing
- Psychology, Philosophy and Mythology
My Projects
- Manifesto - A dark fantasy novel
Books I love:
Musashi by Eiji Yoshikawa
The Archetypes and The Collective Unconscious - C.G. Jung
Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoevsky
