A message in a bottle.

It’s been some time.

Since we last spoke much has happened. You probably know how it is with me… intense. I feel somewhat uneasy updating my friends on my most recent recent life changes.

Three months ago it was construction, two months ago it was bikepacking Japan, and now it is studying psychology. Who knows where I will be next month?

Though many (hopefully not my friends) would attribute this to a lack of accountability or readiness to pull through, I would beg to differ.

I do not make decisions lightly, and behind every one lie hours of contemplation and sleeplessness. I would dare to say, thanks to my efforts and your guidance, I’ve become self-aware enough to avoid a pitfall before taking the leap.

It’s the cosmic insight, the in-depth knowledge, the reading of symbols. It was a blessing to learn from you.

I’ve given up riches and paradise. I’ve faced and overcome my mother, archetypically and literally. I’ve come in touch with my sexuality, harnessed my impulsiveness and do not give myself to everyone. I have learned to let go of controlling outcomes and try to focus on my input instead. To take life at face value, the good and the bad. As a consequence, I am not rushing, and I am not caught up with trying to make life happen. Instead, I live life now. I take time to celebrate, to make memories, to dine with friends and appreciate when the sun shines on my face.

At times, I forgot the techniques we learned, but through forgetting, and finding anew, I‘ve made them my own. The wind blows, fiercely, but with these shields and weapons, I can brave it.

Rest and me are no longer strangers. I’ve learned my limits and prioritize my health and wellbeing. I ask for help when I need it and I try to take care of myself. In response, love and contentment spread in my chest, a tiny thank you resounding within it. I smile when I hear it, maybe sniffle a bit, for I missed that little voice, dearly.

I’ve built a steady connection to god and hope to serve him in everything I do. I pray more often. It helps with my arrogance, and clinging to highs, to paradise.

I have identified the voices in my mind, the healthy and crippled. I study them and plan to ask for guidance in need. I‘m further fortifying our connection through dialogue and visualization. Our conversations are rarely toxic. We’re all on the same page.

After finishing my fifth or fourth Musashi read, I‘ve finally assimilated its spirit—the warrior spirit, the mature masculine archetype of the hero, which I so yearn to embody, is now no longer a vague admiration. I close my eyes and purify my heart, bow my head in respect to my higher purpose, and serve it with clarity and decisiveness. Though, much work has to be done to be true to these words. I waver, for I am human.

At last, I have a good circle of friends. People who I can call at any point … and they‘ll pick up. But most importantly, people who appreciate me, whose lives, according to them, improved since I became part and vice versa. Isn’t that something? What else could I wish for?

A family, I suppose. I am greedy, but it’s life. It’s only natural to want to live. It’s weird. When we started my healing, I believed I was impotent. I deemed myself inadequate to be a father and was terrified of ever being one. I wanted to indulge in sex with various women and go on romantic adventures. Somehow, all of it faded, and I wish to find a partner, not a goddess, with whom I can share a home and raise children. I no longer think of myself as impotent, and I do feel ready (slightly ahead of myself here, aye?)

Though I must admit I am scared. Scared of intimacy and the residual darkness lingering within me, waiting to be activated, scared of hurting others, of moments of weakness and lies, of hidden intentions I have yet to understand. But this, too, is life, and I will take it at face value. I will not avoid or try to control the outcome. Life blossoms, and I am here to water it, not decide the shape of its petals.

In terms of the future, I hope to earn my place in society. A real, solid existence which would best utilize all my virtues. I am ready to work hard for it. To succumb. It will take time, but everything worthwhile does. Building a good life takes all one has. I want to be a decent man. It is a privilege to be born human.

Though I claim to have learned a thing or two, I cannot say I understand myself or the universe at any significance. I am far too immature and there is a lot to work on. As it should be. I will keep walking the thousand mile road a step a day, even though at times it might feel I am walking backwards.

Towards the light. Towards the heart of the sea. Test the lowly Hans with hardship.

Thank you for my ember.

Best,

Hans.